What I've Learned, Fou(r)ned, & Burned
A ramble of epic proportions. Buckle up.
Learned, Fourned, Burned:
I’d like to let you all know that I have a cold. Yes, God does, in fact, give his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. But in all sincerity, this illness has been especially brutal because I, the youngest child of four, married another youngest child of three.
Now, being the babies of the family has its perks: we’re easygoing, oozing charisma, and the undisputed favorites of our respective families. But when sickness strikes? It’s a disaster. We both expect to be babied, and neither of us is willing to step up as the adult. Usually, I win this battle through sheer dramatics, but still—it’s an uphill fight.
I have officially rewatched every season of Shark Tank and Desperate Housewives (a perfect double feature, if you ask me), so now I turn to you, my loyal friends, to dump my thoughts while I waste away in bed.
Oh, and did I mention I’m also coming to you LIVE from the luteal phase? So yeah, things are going great.
Now, onto something new I’m trying: Learned, Fou(r)ned, Burned — a little section where I share what I’ve learned, what I’ve found (read: bought), and what I’ve metaphorically (or literally) burned to the ground. Will I do this once and immediately move on? Maybe. But let’s pretend otherwise.
So let’s start with things I’ve learned. I thought we’d start out with some things I’ve googled recently:
Is your neck part of your face or part of your body? (if you’ve never googled this you’ve clearly never taken an edible before getting in the shower)
Does my dog know I’m sick? (looking for more beings to feel sorry for me at this trying time)
How do you measure a room? (don’t ask)
What is cashmere made of? (do yourself a favor and don’t Google this one)
Additionally…I’ve learned:
How to use my G7X: after two years of owning this gorgeous camera, I finally know how to use it thanks to a guide someone made on TikTok. DM me if you want it. It's very helpful. Now of course I'm being told I need this camera instead for even more “effortless” looking (shitty?) pictures…help I hate it here.
Never trust how you feel about your life after 10 pm. Period.
Helped, Heard, or Hugged: When someone trauma dumps on you, and you’re too struck to speak, it may be helpful to ask if they want to be “helped, heard, or hugged” and just pray it’s not “helped.”
Women reach full emotional maturity at 32 men at 43 …That’s not even a joke; that’s just science being deeply unfair.
When you meet someone new—and you already know who they are—do not (!!) I repeat, do not say, “Oh, I know so-and-so!” (insert mutual acquaintance you both barely know) or anything that hints at prior research.
Why? Because it instantly shifts the power dynamic. Now they’re the main character, and you’re just some eager fan who did homework on them. It’s physics. It’s psychology. It’s social survival.
If this concept is confusing, please see me during office hours.
Things I’ve Fourrrned (...found but I had to add an ‘r’ to make it go with ‘learned and burned’ okay?)
This Toaster: BLESSSSSS.
Loafers: Ok, so I’ve been looking for an incredible, life-changing, soul-improving pair of loafers that will solve all my problems. But turns out that took much longer than I anticipated. It’d be easy to assume that all loafers are made equal–but they are not. Anyway, I bought these, these, and these. I pray now I’ve scratched the itch and can move on with my life.