The Myth of The Second F in BFF
Friendship breakups and what to buy the friends that stick around.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Dearest Bedheads,
Aaaaaand just like that my Christmas decorations are up. Ho, ho, ho. I tried to hold off, I really did, but alas, the siren call of decking the halls took over and I gave in. I went to CVS for Halloween candy, blacked out, and left with two Santas and a nutcracker. I have a problem.
I’ve also started trying to look like I have my shit together (without having to get my shit together) by wearing matching-set pajamas. I bought these and they’re so wonderful, even for people who, like me, sweat their way through the night. I also am crushing so hard on this toxically expensive and unavailable Phoebe Philo skirt. I wish I’d never seen it but now I’m showing it to you so we can mourn its unattainability together. Misery loves company...and clothing with feathers.
In other slightly disconcerting seasonal news, I’ve started planning my 30th birthday. Some of my best friends are flying to LA for it, and I’m already sad about it. You know the phrase–don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened? Well, I’m more of the cry-because-it’s-going-to-happen-and-therefore-also-going-to-end type. Anyone else get sad about the happy thing before it’s even begun knowing it will soon be over? Just me? Cool.
Ever since college, I get the same melancholy feeling whenever I leave my friends or they leave me. I go into mourning over the fact that we can never return to those simpler times, when friendship meant running errands together, getting ready side by side, sharing clothes and nursing our collective hangover. We’ll never live in the same house, sit next to each other every night, watching a movie whilst staring at our phones in silence (my love language). It’s brutal to learn your late twenties/early thirties are not going to be one long episode of Friends, which I of course haven’t stopped watching since the Matthew Perry news, and maybe this has also been contributing to my friendship ennui. I always fantasize about the woman I’d be if all my best friends lived in LA with me. I’d probably be funnier, smarter, more pleasant, leave my house more, all the things.
The truth is, from here on out, our lives are going to continue to get fuller, which means our calendars will get more and more crowded, which means we’ll see each other less and less. This problem is compounded by the fact that most of my unbelievably wonderful best friends (16 bridesmaids worth to be exact) live thousands of miles away. I perpetually owe someone a text, a Facetime date. I’m always losing track of who’s it in the ongoing game of phone tag, setting reminders to send birthday flowers, and coming up with excuses to avoid bachelorette parties from afar. Who has time for hobbies when you’re in ten long distance friendships?
So yes–on the one hand, distance sucks. But then there are the friends who do live in the same city as me, who I still haven’t seen or spoken to in days that turn into weeks, which turn into months, and suddenly I’m sitting around wondering if we’re in a fight or just both terrible at keeping in touch.
No matter where we live, my friends and I are all in different places in our lives, hurtling headfirst in different directions. Each friendship is now unique in circumstances and requirements. In the same week, I’m celebrating the baby’s first steps with one best friend and sending an ‘sorry you have HPV…again’ care package to another. It used to be that we were all going through the same things at the same time, but now it sometimes feels impossible to keep up with everyone’s Saturn Return-altering lives. Everything takes effort and planning–two of my least favorite things.
In the midst of this new chaotic phase, surface-level friendships inevitably disintegrate (COVID dealt a death blow to a lot of those), but there is also a more complicated untangling going on. Suddenly friendships I’ve had for years feel like they aren’t fitting right, like a pair of jeans I try to convince myself must’ve shrunk in the wash. Have you ever left a lunch-date with a friend, checked in with your nervous system and realized that you haven’t taken a full breath in two hours? Maybe the dynamics you once found charming suddenly make you livid, or you have a sneaking suspicion that that look in their eye as you vent isn’t sympathy but schadenfreude…You know the vibe. The steal-your-man, blow-out style friendship breakup has gotten more than enough air time, but what about these quieter types–the drift-aparts, the resentment buildups, or the slow-ghosts?
As someone who has been on all sides of this scenario, I know how painful it can be for everyone involved. One side is left feeling inadequate or abandoned and the other stewing in a sundae of guilt and resentment...with a secret cherry of relief on top. Friendship breakups really are like romantic ones (sometimes they’re even worse). Sidenote: the song “Now That We Don’t Talk” on the new 1989 (Taylor’s version) album is so much better if you relate it to your ex-best-friendships.
Once the friendship is over, a negative connotation hangs in the air; you avoid running into your ex at all costs, and maybe you hear through the grapevine that they’re still, six years later, kinda mad at you about how it all went down. People see the friend breakup and want to know why? What happened? Who did what to whom? Closure conversations are suggested and suffered through, and you move from watching the milestones of their life unfold from the VIP section to the nosebleeds. It’s natural to feel that there must have been some grand failure in order for things to have come to this point, but the sobering truth is that friendship breakups are an unavoidable part of life. I’m sure you’ve looked through our mom’s wedding album and seen not just guests but bridesmaids you’ve never even heard of…
So that’s my call to action of the week–let’s dispel the myth that friendships need to last forever in order to be valuable. We’ve all been tricked into taking the last F in BFF too seriously, and truthfully, I don’t trust a girl if she’s never endured a friendship breakup–full stop–they are a natural and essential part of growing up. Dare I say, that’s life.
You don’t necessarily need to bend over backwards, scheduling facetimes and phone calls up the wazoo for friendships that make you feel like shit, and you don’t need to remain loyal to a group just because you once were. Let’s honor our friendships that have dissolved, our girls we once loved but have little in common with anymore. Those relationships meant something, they carried us through hard times and were important, but so is moving on. It’s okay to pick and choose who we give our time to because life is short, soul-connections are rare, and small talk kills.
That said, I’ve also learned that not all friendships that are feeling out of whack or distant need to be discarded. Friendships go through seasons, they eb and flow, and this could just be a brief out-of-sync phase where you have to pretend to like that guy she’s dating or that you their babies that won’t last forever. Your experiences may align again in the future, and if your friendship is meant to last, it can and will withstand these awkward inflection points. No need to hold on so tightly or to let go so quickly. Your friendships will naturally go through phases: there will be times where the balance is uneven, that one person is investing more than the other, when your friend has a crisis, needs to vent and forgets to ask you how you are. Friendships are supposed to make us feel nice and safe–they’re supposed to give you the benefit of the doubt, survive periods of less communication without a guilt-trip, and welcome the ways you’ll inevitably evolve and change. This is the type of friend-love I believe in and stick around for.
Finally, let’s circle back to love languages. If you’re like me, a gift-giving girly pop with a words of affirmation rising, you might be in need of a few recommendations to remind your friends how much you appreciate them for not disowning you when your last depressive episode made you disappear for the two months…without further ado, I leave you with a quick gift guide to cover all your friendship bases.
For your friend who just had a baby and can’t answer your texts: I planned on gatekeeping this and keeping it secret until I spawn offspring. But to show how much I love you I’ll share it with you. Baby Bode is even better than regular Bode. I also love this outfit to send to newborns. This is my all-time favorite gift to give kids/babies.And for the friend-turned-mom, this frame is a great gift.
For your friend who just got fired: Nothing says fun-employment like pants that can be worn in bed or on a job interview. These Donni ones are perrrrfect.
For your new friend you don’t know that well and don’t want to come on too strong: Fancy hand soap is always a winner. Everyone wants it, no one thinks to buy it for themselves. Everyone has a sink.
For your friend going through a breakup: These slippers to aid in her never-leaving-the-house-again era. This luxe tissue box cover that I have in every room of my house. This mini skirt for when she’s ready for revenge.
For your friend who just got engaged to that guy you hate: The best gift I got when I got engaged was custom stationary with both our names on it. Nothing can prepare you for the shit-load of thank you notes you have to write. This is my favorite brand. Also matching Uggs for your friend and her partner is a great, untraditional gift they’ll actually use.
For your friend who you haven’t seen in months and only communicate via sending internet findings back and forth: I love these socks so much. The viral TikTok office chair also sparks joy.
For the friend whose birthday you forgot: I love this bubble vase. This Hourglass palette changed my life. As did this Chanel glow stick. Speaking of makeup, I love this travel case set by Cuyana. If you’re feeling really generous, this fancy keychain is perfect.
For the friend whose bachelorette party you can’t go to: This initial bracelet by Jen Meyer has been my favorite gift forever. Get their new last name initial or partner’s initial. This is also fun. A fancy ring dish also goes a long way. This one’s a little less $$.
Love to love you. Have a perfect weekend,
Jade